5 Worst Movies, Part 2

A few months back I shared with everyone the worst movies I had ever seen. I decided to add a few more. This time, however, I went to the expert (I consider any male under 30 an expert because they've seen EVERY movie ever produced). My expert is Eric Joellenbeck. Here's Eric's worst pics:
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)
Kevin James (who I'm a big fan of) plays dopey mall security guard, Paul Blart. When the mall he works for is taken over by burglars, it's somehow all up to him to save everyone inside. This movie makes ample use of "fat equals funny," which is not true. It might work once or twice, but you can't fill a whole movie of Kevin James not being able to run far or dance for a long time or eating lots of pie.
2. The Happening (2008)
Something terrible is happening to people of Earth. When the wind blows by them, they kill themselves. Did you hear that? That's the actual plot of this movie. And the way people kill themselves in this movie is completely preposterous, such as people feeding themselves to lions or stabbing their own throats with devices keeping their hair in place. This is M. Night Shyamalan's latest bomb in a recent string of terrible movies. And by the way, I don't think anybody is buying The Funky Bunch's Marky Mark as a science teacher. Not even Marky Mark himself.
3. The Good Shepherd (2006)
I'm surprised here; Robert DeNiro is directing. Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie are starring. And it's a spy movie. Well, it's probably the most boring spy movie I've ever witnessed. Matt Damon gives the worst performance of his career, it can be likened to a robot. And Angelina does a good job of just being a bitch for a solid 167 minutes! That's right. 2 hours and 47 minutes of boredom. So much more could have been done other than Damon brooding around the world and Angelina crying because she's having his baby.
4. The Squid and the Whale (2005)
Noah Baumbach's 2005 movie is about two intellectuals who divorce in the late 80's. Their two kids are deeply affected and change in great ways during the separation. What i hated about this movie was how I felt talked down to. This movie is full people who all think their smarter than everyone and will tell you so. It's never happened to me before this movie where I watched a movie where I literally thought, "Wow, I hate everyone in this movie." If you skip this movie and just have a college level student tell you that you're an idiot and don't read good books, you'll get the gist of this movie.
5. Suspiria (1977)
Considered a horror classic, Dario Argento's Suspiria is a completely idiotic tale of disgust. Yeah, that may be harsh and I know people love this movie. I don't know if the version I saw was, indeed, the original but I know I hated it. The music in it was highly distracting, in a bad way.
--Ron Ameln, SBM