Friday, April 03, 2009

Top 5 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

A discussion with a buddy last weekend got me thinking about the worst movies I’ve ever seen. So, after a week of scanning my memory, I thought I’d branch out from all the serious business talk and share the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Please respond with some of your worst movies. Note: these top 5 are movies I’ve seen. Don’t hold it against me that I wasn’t dumb enough to sit through Gigli, Glitter or Freddy Got Fingered. Give me some credit. Although I was dumb enough to see the following.

Here are my 5 worst:

Showgirls (1995). A young drifter, named Nomi, arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer and soon sets about clawing and pushing her way to become the top of the Vegas showgirls. This movie gained much notoriety before its run at theaters because of its NC-17 rating. Half of the audience was there to see how good former “Saved By The Bell” star Elizabeth Berkley looked naked. The other half (that would be me) attended to see cinematic excellence. Both groups went home unhappy. Berkley was so horrible at playing trailer park trash that even the trailer park trash were insulted.

From Justin To Kelly (2003). American Idol finalists Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini starred in this movie musical. It stayed in theaters for only two weeks before being released to stores on DVD six weeks later. I ended up watching this movie on an American Airlines flight (they should be ashamed). I was trapped, and it was hell. Good thing the metal detectors worked that day because there would have been some serious violence. Yes, I did think about jumping. This movie was worse than bad. If I were to be taken hostage this afternoon and given two choices of interregation: watching this movie or waterboarding, I’m taking waterboarding, hands down. Kids Choice Awards named this movie the best of 2003. This has me worried about our future.

BASEketball (1998). If you didn’t see or hear about this movie, you didn’t miss much. This was a comedy by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I’d pass along the plot but after watching it I’m still not sure what the hell the movie was about. Rumor has it that Bob Costas, who is in the movie, contemplated joining the witness protection program after the movie’s release. It was that bad. I’d say this was a Mickey Mouse movie, but I don’t want to insult Mickey.

Dirty Dancing (1987). After Patrick Swayze’s dance partner has a botched abortion and can’t dance at the big talent night party, Jennifer Gray (Baby, to you and me) comes through in the clutch, finds her womanhood and saves the day with a one-of-a-kind dance routine. Oh brother. This movie was so sappy the concession stand served insulin. The best line of the movie, Swayze to Baby’s Dad: “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” Priceless.

Mannequin (1987). Here’s the plot: Stupid dork falls in love with a store mannequin, and then the mannequin comes to life and they fall in love. No, really. I’m serious. The mannequin’s name was Emmy, which is as close as this movie will ever come to winning any type of award. At some point and time, during some writing meeting, the thought of a mannequin coming to life and falling in love with a stupid dork sounded like a good idea. Why? How?
-Ron Ameln, SBM


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